Career vs. Child- The Dilemma Has Already Emerged

I am not a doctor, and never could be since hospitals bring on panic attacks, but I feel that the day I decided to become a teacher I took a teacher's hypocratic oath, promising to do everything within my power everyday to help every child in my classroom become better people, both academically and personally. I have stood by this oath to myself from the day I walked into the classroom. I LOVE what I do and the only reason I am good at it is because I will fight to the end for my kids. I love each of my students as if they were my own child and it has helped me to teach even the most difficult kids. I find something to love in all of them so that I never, even subconsciously, fail to teach a child for personal reasons. This oath has risen me to a higher level of stress in many ways because I never back down, I never give up, and I invest my heart and soul in every student which means I take things much more personally with them than I probably should. To most people, I probably don't seem to have been stressed out the past few years because I am psychotic and I love stress. Being stressed helps me function better and I feed off of it- it keeps my wheels spinning so to say.

A few months ago I posted a blog about the worries I have about having to choose between my career dreams and my goals as a parent. Little did I know that this dilemma would rear its head so soon in my mommy-hood. I have an extremely challenging class this year, with only 3 to 4 students who are NOT dealing with serious personal issues on top of academic struggles. My stress level is as high as it has ever been. The problem now is that I cannot carry that much stress, it is not healthy for the baby. I never really thought about this particular angle of the career vs. child dilemma because I am good at being stressed at work and leaving it at work. My work stress has never effected my home life, so I didn't think my stress would effect my children at home. Well, when the child is inside of you that is a whole different story. 

Of course I will put the baby first and reduce my stress. There is no question about this. My family always comes first, Kevin has always come first, and the same will be true for my child. My point to this blog is that I am having a really hard time trying to detach myself from my kids and care less to reduce the stress. It isn't natural for me to care less and my teacher instincts are constantly battling my mommy instincts. What is really bothering me is that I am not the teacher I normally am because of it. I know my kids will learn and will pass, that isn't what I have a hard time with. I struggle with the other things I fight so hard to teach my students like respect, compassion, empathy, and believing in themselves. Those are the lessons that take all of my energy and cause all of the stress because they are the hardest. I am sad that this class, who needs these lessons more than any other class, are very likely going to miss out on a lot of it. In fact, it breaks my heart. My child will always be number one. I am not even a mother yet and I know I will do anything it takes to give my children the best possible life, but it doesn't mean that my students aren't going to lose a little because of it. 

(I am closing comments on this blog because I do not want any lectures or comments about stress and the choices I am making. It is one of the most difficult adjustments I have ever had to make and every time someone tells me that I have to stop caring so much and reduce stress I get upset because I can't believe anyone would think I wouldn't. The point of this blog was to vent and to let you in on what has been going through my head lately. There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to be a mother and I am really excited about what this new role holds for me and for Kevin, even the difficult adjustment periods like this one)