Such is life... (and Bump Watch week 34)

(Here are some new pictures... sorry it has been so long!)

I specifically remember this moment a few years ago, a few months before Kevin and I got married, when we knew we were going to move to NYC and we were kind of talking out our plans. We were driving around Simi and one of us said, "We will move to NYC, get our Masters degrees, pay off the car accident and then spend the extra money we will have from not paying the accident anymore to pay for diapers." We decided then and there that we would be in NYC for three years and then move home to CA in the summer of 2009 to start our family. Well, here we are in the summer of 2009 and we have been living in limbo for months. 

You see, Kevin and I come from the same stock. Not genetically, thank goodness, but our foundations are the same. We were both raised by amazing parents with VERY close extended families. Both of us spent a great deal of time at our grandparents' houses and we consider this to be some of the most treasured parts of our lives. We have always said we want the same for our kids. We have been realizing over the past few days that neither of us have severed the umbilical cord to our families and lives in CA and it has made this new reality that we may be staying in NYC even more difficult. We love our lives here and the people we share them with. We would be equally heart broken to leave Paul and Andrea and Uncle Bob and Aunt Pat. The truth of the matter is that neither of us have ever envisioned raising our family anywhere but California. It is just what we had always planned.

As you all know from Kevin's last post, he had a few interviews in CA when he was home. One of the schools called him back and let him know they had selected someone else. I have to say, this was the most gracious thing they could have done because it stopped our minds from spinning- wondering if he got the job. The other job still hasn't decided and as the days tick by we both feel it is less likely he will be offered a position. We were both spinning on a high for weeks about the prospect of moving home and we have been slowly tumbling back toward Earth as we realize it probably won't happen. This limbo can make people crazy, even people who are not planning for a baby, and it has definitely started to affect both of us. 

I have shared with you in the past that Kevin and I sit most nights at the dinner table long after the food is gone and just talk. (It's wonderful.) Tonight's conversational topic was about facing reality. The limbo had begun to make me down over the past few days- the most down I have been since being pregnant. Not knowing where we were going to end up or if we were moving or when we could start getting ready for the baby was taking it's toll. After months of euphoric pregnancy hormones and happiness I have been very uncomfortable with the mood I have been in over the past few days. I had had enough so I finally vented to Kevin at dinner. We talked out all sides and all possibilities and we both agreed that living in this limbo is not productive for either of us- it also isn't how we imagined spending our last few weeks alone before the baby arrives, especially our anniversary week. So we had decisions we had to make- 

1) Do we hold out to hear about the job no matter how long it takes before we start preparing our lives and apartment for the baby? No, because we don't want to spend the next few weeks going crazy waiting. It isn't good and we will miss out on the happy prepping-for-baby time that new parents go through. 

2) Do we just pick up and move without jobs or prospects in CA with the hopes that 13% unemployment in CA won't effect us? Well- as appealing as that sounds, neither of us are irresponsible enough to even consider this, especially with a baby.

3) Do we keep applying- with Kevin flying out for any interviews that come up? Well, I am getting closer and closer to giving birth and neither of us are comfortable with separation right now. Plus, it isn't exactly inexpensive to fly back and forth each time an interview comes up.

4) Do we draw the line with our attempts to find jobs in CA and get ready to stay here with the baby for the first year? This is the only option that made any sense. We have been applying for months and there just isn't much out there. The reality of teaching is that the hiring window is only 2-3 months a year. We have fantastic lives here, friends and family, I have a great job with financial stability and insurance, a beautiful apartment, and one of us (Kevin) will be able to stay home with the baby, which is really important to us. We have loved living here and it is a great place to have a family, especially in our neighborhood with Paul and Andrea so close.

So our conversation ended with us deciding that enough is enough. We need to focus on us for the next few weeks and enjoy our last few weeks getting ready for the baby. We aren't going to seek out any more jobs and we are going to continue to live in NYC for at least a year. 

After the decision was finally made we just sat there for a few minutes, both of us tearing up, trying not to burst into tears in front of each other. It isn't that our lives are bad here, we love being here. These last three years have been the best of my life. It is just not what we pictured and it will take us some time to come to terms with that. We are so blessed in our lives and it seems petty to be upset about not getting our way and moving home. Considering the lives of many people in the world, we have absolutely nothing to complain about. As long as we are together and happy then we are OK. 

So this is what is going on with us. We are ready to think of nothing but the impending birth of our first child and embarking on this new chapter in our lives. What is meant to be will be.