Dilemma of a Woman in the 2000s- Life 1 or Life 2?

   I'm going to let you into my head a little bit. For the past two years I have had these thoughts and contemplations swimming around in my mind and they are beginning to spew out in random mumblings more and more. I am sure you are picturing me like one of those crazy people who sit on the subway and mumble to themselves. It isn't quite that bad, but I do say things randomly that I didn't use to. Kevin and I will be sitting around, talking about sports or politics and I suddenly jump in with big life questions and decisions that don't quite fit. The problem is, my mind always goes there. I shove it into the back of my mind but it always fights its way to the front.

   Here is the missing link to the point that I am trying to make. I have been working in the South Bronx as a fifth grade teacher now for three years. I have loved every minute of it. The ups... the downs, the highs... the lows, the successes... the stagnant (I haven't had failures yet), the tears and the goosebumps. I sit in my classroom everyday and watch these beautiful children fight to learn against everything working against them. I am there with them, behind them, trying to push them through the barriers and the challenges, but the tides working against us are so strong that our successes are small. I am constantly asking myself, what can I do to eliminate these barriers and challenges? I don't feel like I am doing enough at the individual level, working with the students. I have been feeling the pull toward working with the community itself to eradicate the barriers, or even just lessen them- the pull gets stronger everyday with the more I see and the more I learn. 

   When I first moved to NYC I learned about a charter school in our neighborhood in Harlem called Harlem Children's Zone. The more I learned about this school, the more I became a believer in their approach to education in the lower-income areas. I felt myself being drawn toward the ideal of this school- this is what I want to become involved with during my life- this is what I want to do with my life.  As many of you know, I am currently enrolled in a dual masters program of Special Education (Bank Street) and Social Work (Columbia). I applied to this program because it was the education I need in order to begin realizing my dream of developing bridges between schools and their communities. It fulfills my passion for educating every child. Although I am enrolled in both schools, I haven't fully committed to the Social Work program. It would require me to leave the classroom for two years to do fieldwork in social work and I wasn't sure I was ready to do that. Also, it would be another large sum of student loans to add to our already growing student loan debt. I have also considered going for my PhD and trying to meet my goals by enrolling in a PhD program that covers tuition and provides a stipend for living. The only problem is, I don't think a PhD would have me getting my hands as dirty in the change as I want. I would be doing more research and less program development. I want to be up to my knees in the change, I want to be in the trenches, not in the generals' tent. 

   Now that I am in my third year of teaching, the thought of leaving the classroom to further my education and move toward my bigger goals is beginning to feel more feasible. Well, I guess I should say, it is less terrifying. Am I the teacher I want to be? No. But I feel that I am loaded with the observations, information, and insight that I need to take my career toward my goals.

   Here is the greater dilemma... I have known the course I want to take with my career for years now, but I have been reluctant to embrace it. Why? I want to be a mother. If I dive headfirst into social work and education, begin working with programs like Harlem Children's Zone and taking the ideals and practices to other low-income areas, describing myself as extremely busy will be an understatement. I have always dreamed of staying home with my kids when they are young. I can't do both. I have been juggling this dilemma in my mind for the past three years and it has now become a constant fixture in the forefront of my mind. Kevin and I are wrapping up grad school and coming to the precipice of our big decision. What do we do now? I have to decide if I am going to jump into my dreams and passions headfirst and go to Columbia, a decision that will keep us here and away from some of our loved ones for at least two more years, as well as commit us to more student loans and a one income household- or do I stay in the classroom and try to force my square-shaped dreams into the round-shaped hole of teaching. I am not saying I do not love teaching. I live, breathe, and eat teaching. I just find myself being drawn to the bigger problems, the larger questions, the greater ideals. I want to do more. I could also apply to the PhD programs and see if anything happens there. The PhD program would bring us back to California.

   What has stirred the pot in my mind even more lately has been the election. It sounds sooo corny, I know, but I am inspired to make change where I can. I know I can make a greater difference if I pursue more education for myself. Michelle Obama balances career and parenting, but she also has the means to do it. I am not going to be wealthy and I don't desire to be, but can I be the mother I want to be, as involved as I want to be, and fight for change in the world the way that I want to?

   So, I sit here contemplating, life 1 or life 2. Dreams and passions of my career or dreams and passions of my family life. Can I balance the two? I don't know. I don't think there is any way to know before I have to decide. I am blessed that I have the freedom to make this decision as a woman. I am also blessed to have a husband who supports my decision either way. We really do live in exciting times.

I invite you to listen to the spark that ignited these career goals for me...

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1262